Is it penis luge time yet?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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