I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
