I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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