i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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