i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
