I wish I only lived at night.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
