I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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