I think I died a long time ago.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
