i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
pop tarts are not kleenex
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
false alarm, still single
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
