I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
