his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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