woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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