TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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