That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
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The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
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Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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