This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
