Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
