i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
