I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
someone owes me an orgasm
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
