you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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