someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I checked into jail on foursquare
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
