remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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