I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
