Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
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Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
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You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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