I hate all girls vehemently.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
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If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
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Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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