Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
