If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
