I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
