I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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