So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
