I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
