Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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