Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
