we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Randomize
