you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
