My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
