i'm signing you up for texting rehab
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
