Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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