My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
