I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
