It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
