She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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