I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If its not for food we ain't going out.
that may or may not have been my penis.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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