Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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