There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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