It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
