Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
