her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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