i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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