I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
My balls are so social today.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
