I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
