I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Even my vagina gasped.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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