Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
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You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
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Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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