the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
