Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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