have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize