She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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