I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
