Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you didnt know i had herpes?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
